Don't you ever wonder if there's somebody out there thinking about you

right now?

...

Do you think of me often?

I'm a little frazzled and a bit worried. But when am I not?

Currently Reading The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, Book 5) By Eoin Colfer see related

I'm not a confrontational person.

I'm not.

Ever find out that every preordained thought and feeling in your head is just so warped that your are blinded to the feelings of everyone around you? And that every little thing you say and do is being interpreted in a way you never thought your actions could have been construed? Ever let your paranoia take control of you so that you are able to convince yourself that it isn't your fault? But the fault is never our own, is it?

And have you ever been caught in the middle... between your best friend and your significant other? Or between anybody that you care about, really? Or am I the only one that faces this misfortune?

I've never been one for conflict. I try to satisfy them both, but I only end up making the situation worse. I've been wracking my brains and looking for a solution to this madness. But every solution I've thought up involves hurting one or both of them. I can't handle it. Nor do I want to continue to belittle myself by bending my will in both directions and pretending to be on either of their sides. I want to take my own course of action... but I don't know what to do.

And today...he cried. I made him cry.

theshamethatifeltthenwasunbearable

I know what I want; but peace isn't as simple as snapping your fingers. I cannot make either of them like the other. Neither can I explain why I continue to hurt them both... because I can't explain that to myself. I want to change because I love them both. But I don't want to change because I want to be true to myself.

And my God, it only confuses me further because everyone says that I need to assert myself more (especially recently) in order to stop being trampled on. But being meek is a part of who I am. As soon as I try to change that, everything goes to hell(I'm not "[myself] anymore"). I am destined to be manipulated and stepped on by those that I love. And it isn't their fault because I allow it. It's all my fault. Mea culpa. It's hard not to want to try and make someone think your way, and as much as it hurts, I understand that. It seems to be a part of who I am. And I love fantasizing that one day, they'll stop trying to mold me and be with me solely to be with me rather than to have a puppet.

This rambling has now extended much farther than to the two previously mentioned people and therefore, much farther than I intended. I'm only stopping now because my issues are beginning to mesh into one globule of crap and I'm confusing myself, and probably you too.

Last weekend was just the escape that I needed...

Far enough away from reality to search through and find myself, but close enough to remember that it was real. I've learned more about myself in two days than I have in the longest time. I've made several important life decisions as well as commitments and vows that I have no urge to break. I've seen miracles and mishaps and a whole bunch of firsts. Laughs and tears, pain and joy... all intermingling with the sad truth that the weekend would soon be over and that we would have to come back to the real world and face its everlasting cruelties. But I will remember the moments forever.

Beautiful landscapes which now sit in a roll of film that is waiting to be developed. People whose smiles remind me that not all the world is doomed to maliciousness. Funny times being chased away by barn yard goats. Moments that will live forever in my sketchbook and in my heart... Crawling through a jungle gym that I probably outgrew once I hit 10... Love that will never parish or diminish. Unwavering friendships made in haste... Long talks and deep thoughts. Staring up at the midnight sky, seeing my first shooting star... and finally feeling that I have found my place.

Yes, I've had a taste of the good life...